To the Dentist, Who Drilled My Teeth and Caused Unimaginable Pain
(Parody of "To the Fair Clarinda Who Made Love to Me, Imagined More Than Woman" by Aphra Behn)
Oh, mighty dentist, if that title be,
With drill and Novocain awaiting me;
Permit me now before you hack my tooth
To let me tell the horrifying truth.
Just let me justify my tooth decay
While you tighten the straps on my constraint.
But now my malocclusion you pursue
With so much gingivitis in clear view.
Against your drill I struggle but in vain;
With thy rotating drill thou giv'st me pain
While the hygienist shoots more Novocain.
Oh, pity to my teeth, their life is spent;
The teeth I love, the teeth so innocent.
Now floss me, brush me, make me rinse and spit;
Or take an x-ray-- I can handle it.
You say my trench-mouth's worsened over the years,
And I've got tartar coming out my ears?
Thou torturous one of the dental kind,
What other oral horrors will you find?
Whene'er I visit something's always worse--
You say you're tempted by the cash inside my purse?
Well, it's rather empty, I do believe--
What? You say I'm fine, and that I'm free to leave?
-Stephanie Scarborough
